Author: Hospicare

Finding Ways to Mourn Your Loss

Posted on by Hospicare

by Jane Baker Segelken, MA, MSW, part of the Social Work team at Hospicare & Palliative Care Services

People who are grieving often hear all kinds of advice about the best way to mourn. All the suggestions we receive may have some semblance of helpfulness, but the fact is there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. What we do and what works for us depends on our personality, our life experiences, the significance of the loss, and many other things.

In his book, The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief, Francis Weller encourages mourners to express their grief communally, often through ritual. In a 2015 interview with Tim McKee of The Sun Magazine, Weller said that “Expressing grief has always been a challenge. The main difference between our society and societies in the past is how private we are with it today.”

Weller explains that grief is not meant to be carried as a “solitary burden,” and yet the message many of us receive in our sorrow is “Get over it. Get back to work.” We are not meant to handle grief in isolation, he says in the interview. And yet more often than not the bereaved rarely feel the kindness or compassion or community they need to face their sorrows. He suggests that observances and rituals can help those experiencing loss stay connected to their sorrow.

Formal Rituals and Other Practices

The most obvious rituals involve events such as wakes, funerals, and shiva. For example, traditionally a Catholic wake involves family and friends keeping watch over the body of the deceased, usually in their home. After a Jewish burial, mourners return to the home of the deceased or a close friend/family member to “sit Shiva,” which involves saying prayers and other rituals that encourage facing the fact of the death.

According to funeralbasics.org, funerals, the most universal of rituals, help us acknowledge the reality of the death; give testimony to the life of the deceased; encourage the expression of grief in a way consistent with the culture’s values; provide support to mourners; allow for the embracing of faith and beliefs about life and death; and offers continuity and hope for the living.

Of course, rituals around mourning are not limited in any way to the wake, shiva, or funeral. For some people, the ritual can be as simple as taking a walk, says Rabbi Brian of Religion Outside the Box. For others, a ritual can be cooking the favorite meal of the deceased on the same day each week, creating an altar, leaving something at the gravesite, continuing a monthly activity in honor of the deceased, or engaging in a regular writing exercise. It doesn’t have to be an act performed in a prescribed order; instead, our actions are aimed at tending to our grief.

The author, Weller, explains that “it’s up to us to devise our own rituals … Our rituals must speak to the particular ways we’ve been shaped, or misshaped, by our culture.” Ritual, he adds, “has the capacity to derange us, to shake us out of the old forms. We need that derangement, because the current arrangement isn’t working.” The idea, however, is not to forget the person we’re mourning or the event we’re grieving. The goal is to be present with and express our despair.

One practice that mourners find helpful is writing about a significant loss they experienced. Writing about the person, the loss, and any rituals they did seems to help people make sense of what they experienced. This kind of ritual is best done without censorship, without worry that the writing, spelling, or grammar isn’t perfect, and with the courage to let our emotions spill out. Writing to Ease Grief and Loss, which appeared in the November 15, 2016 Harvard Medical School publication explained “some research suggests that disclosing deep emotions through writing can boost immune function as well as mood and well-being. Conversely, the stress of holding in strong feelings can ratchet up blood pressure and heart rate and increase muscle tension.”

Upcoming Events

During the month of September, Hospicare is hosting two special programs that may be of interest to the bereaved. On the 6, 13, 20, and 27th  from 6-8 p.m. via Zoom, Jane Baker Segelken, MSW, will facilitate Writing Your Loss Story, a four-week writing program that provides therapeutic prompts for the bereaved to use to tell their story. On September 15 from 6-7:30 p.m., Hospicare’s Communications Coordinator, Brenna Fitzgerald, will facilitate an interactive discussion of the book The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller.

See https://www.hospicare.org/event/writing-your-loss-story/2022-09-13/ for more information and to register for the writing program; go to https://www.hospicare.org/event/virtual-book-discussion-the-wild-edge-of-sorrow-by-francis-weller/ to register for the book discussion event. Or call 607-272-0212.

Nineteen Years of Women Swimmin’ for Hospicare

Posted on by Hospicare

by Jane Baker Segelken, MA, MSW, part of the Social Work team at Hospicare & Palliative Care Services

With planning for Hospicare’s Women Swimmin’ in full swing now, excitement for the event is growing. This year the event will be in person with all its splash. Joan Brumburg and Ann Costello, two of the event’s original creators, were happy to sit down and reflect on what they both acknowledge as the best family-focused feminist event in Ithaca.

“If you identify as female you can swim,” Joan said, adding that the opportunity given to women to come together with a common goal of supporting a vital, well-loved agency is very powerful. For some participants, the reason to swim is deeply personal — a family member or friend may have received services from Hospicare. For others, the event offers the perfect opportunity to accomplish a challenging goal. “It takes a bit of daring to swim in the lake,” Joan said.

Joan should know what courage it takes to swim. When she turned 60, 19 years ago, Joan had her physical with Ann, a local physician, who asked her what she wanted to do that she hadn’t yet. Joan replied she wanted to swim across the lake, and Ann said she’d do that with her. “We decided to turn the swim into a fundraiser for Hospicare,” Joan said. They thought they’d get 25 others to swim with them and maybe raise $5,000. “That first year 126 women swam, and together we raised $54,000 dollars,” Ann explained. Since that first event, Women Swimmin’ has raised more than $5 million for Hospicare.

Women Swimmin’ is a fundraising event that helps sustain the nurturing attention that Hospicare & Palliative Care Services gives to patients and their loved ones at any stage of a life-limiting illness and/or following a death. The annual event raises funds and provides information and education about the agency and its mission in a manner that is inclusive, fun, and consistent with Hospicare’s respect for all people. Because of the generosity of corporate sponsors, every dollar raised goes directly to patient care. 

“We do this because we believe in the mission of the organization,” Ann explained, adding that they see how it helps family, friends, and in her case, patients. “Our goal is to make sure the agency has what it needs.”

Swimming with a personal goal

The power of the event can’t be understated. It’s a group of people that are united with a common, often deeply personal goal. Women Swimmin’ captures one of the things Ithaca is known for: the tradition of athletic events that support local agencies. The lake in all its glory is the perfect venue for a big summer happening.

While only women can swim, individuals of any gender can participate. Joan’s husband and son have been swimmers-escort boaters and volunteers with other tasks. Ann’s son has boated. Musicians play music to welcome the swimmers back on land. The Brous family, of Ithaca Bakery fame, has generously provided bagels, fruit, and beverages to all swimmers and volunteers since year one. And many other businesses contribute goods, services, and money.

This year, Ashley Mungiello is looking forward to “watching the sun rise over the lake as I think of how lucky I am to have had the most incredible father for the last 40 years.” A14-year participant in Women Swimmin’, she knows first-hand what it means when others say it’s a family affair. Ashley started boating with her father while her mother, sister, and friends swam across the lake. Every one of them had a personal connection to Hospicare, and even more so now; Ashley’s father died peacefully last summer receiving support from Hospicare’s team of caregivers.

For those who don’t swim or boat, an alternative called Go the Distance! makes the event even more inclusive. Individuals — regardless of age or gender — set an activity or service goal in support of Hospicare. Whether one is walkin’, knittin’, bikin’, pickin’ up trash, etc., the goal and outcome are the same: support of compassionate care in our community! For example, Joan is walking her Westie at least 150 miles in July and August. 

Four ways you can still participate:

Women Swimmin’ — held this year on Saturday, August 13 from 6:00 a.m. to noon — is a total team effort:

  • Go the Distance – Set an activity or service goal in support of Hospicare
  • Be a Support Boater – Sign up to assist swimmers across the lake
  • Donate
  • Volunteer

For more information and to sign up to volunteer go to womenswimmin.org or call Kimari Johnson at 607-272-0212.

Also, check out this informational video that captures the spirit of Women Swimmin’:

Hospicare 101: It’s All About Living

Posted on by Hospicare

by Jane Baker Segelken, MA, MSW, part of the Social Work team at Hospicare & Palliative Care Services

Many of us are familiar with the statement “hospice isn’t about dying, hospice is about living.” But what does that really mean? When I first became involved with hospice, I quickly realized it’s about quality of life, now and in the future. Hospice is about living the time at the end of our lives with the least amount of pain and discomfort.

For individuals with a terminal illness, hospice — specifically our local Hospicare serving Cortland and Tompkins counties — shifts the emphasis from allowing our medical conditions to dictate how we live to making those decisions on our own and with a team of support. Utilizing a holistic approach that includes the medical director, nurses, aides, social workers, chaplains, and volunteers, Hospicare works to meet the needs of patients and their family and friends.

Correcting Misconceptions

People often may not get the care they need at the end of life because they have a wrong idea about what hospice means. Many of those I knew who became part of the hospice program were slow to get there, in part because they had an impression that didn’t match reality and saw receiving hospice care as giving up. Hospice care is quite the opposite of giving up; it’s all about offering the highest quality of life-giving care as one faces death. Here are some of the facts about hospice care:

  • Your primary care physician and others that offer you care can stay as involved as you want throughout your journey. The staff at Hospicare can serve as principal caregivers or they can support the services you’re receiving elsewhere.
  • Hospice isn’t as expensive as many believe. Rather, many of the costs are covered under Medicare, Medicaid, and most private insurance plans and managed care organizations. No one is ever turned away for inability to pay.
  • You’ll receive hospice services in the setting that is best for you: a private home, hospital, nursing home, or the Hospicare residence on South Hill in the town of Ithaca.
  • There is no limit to how long someone can continue to stay enrolled, although a life expectancy of six months or less is generally required to start hospice services. Although not the norm, there have been cases where someone received hospice services for a year or longer.
  • Family, friends, and caregivers can take advantage of many of the opportunities the Hospicare team provide — hospice services aren’t just for the patient. Friendly volunteers can offer respite to the primary caregivers, and aides can help with errands, cooking, and light housekeeping. Hospicare also provides counseling services, educational programs, and support groups to those who are grieving regardless of whether the deceased received hospice services or not.

When Hospice Might Be The Right Choice

An early referral to hospice — before the situation becomes critical — has so many advantages. The patient and loved ones can take advantage of the many services available including the company of trained volunteers who will do friendly visiting, play music, share hobbies, and offer respite to the caregivers. Signing on early also means that the patient can receive specialized nursing care and medications, medical equipment, and supplies sooner than they might have otherwise. Individuals can self-refer to Hospicare when they’re ready. Anyone can contact Hospicare to begin the referral process; it does not have to begin with a physician.

It’s also important to know that if you change your mind and decide that hospice isn’t the right approach for you at the moment or that you’d like to pursue treatment aimed at curing your disease, you can sign off hospice services. If at a later date you change your mind again, a simple phone call can restart the referral process.

Hospice is About Living

Choosing hospice is a shift from disease maintenance and fighting a health condition to focusing on quality of life. It’s not allowing a medical condition to dictate life choices, but instead putting those choices in your hands. Most of all, choosing hospice means that individuals can live their full rich life until the end — and that they don’t have to die alone, afraid, or in pain.

Choosing hospice is not a death sentence. It is life affirming.

To learn more, call the Hospicare admissions staff at 607-272-0212.

Visit our events page to sign up for this July 19th Hospicare 101 event at Longview and see more upcoming events on this topic and more.

Welcoming Our Newest Board Member

Posted on by Hospicare

Emily Papperman recently joined Hospicare’s Board. She is currently employed at Finger Lakes Independence Center as an Advocacy Specialist and has been in that position for 13 years. Last year, she got her Certification as a Work Incentive Practitioner for the Ticket-to-Work Program through the Social Security Administration. This professional development plays into her role as an Advocacy Specialist because benefits like SSI, SSD, SNAP, and Section 8 can all give people access to assistance and resources they may need in order to gain or regain independence and be active in their respective communities. Emily is also an Associate Board Member at Racker, having served two terms as a Board Member there and having spent the last year on that Board as Board President. She is passionate about helping folks with disabilities develop their own voice and advocating to ensure that they are involved in the conversations about topics that are important to them in their everyday lives. Emily is an avid reader, a lover of all things chocolate, and a devoted fan of Stevie Wonder and Elton John.

“I was drawn to Hospicare’s mission and work because Hospicare helps people navigate the most difficult times in life with grace, dignity, and compassion. I am honored and privileged to have been given this opportunity, and I really look forward to joining the Hospicare family.”

Sit and Reflect in Hospicare’s Poetry Chair

Posted on by Hospicare

by Teresa Yatsko, Hospicare volunteer

This chair created by Hospicare volunteer Teresa Yatsko is being offered to all as a place to sit and relax, read the writings of others, or consider your own writing as a way of joining the effort to bring people together in the joy and healing power of the written word. Stop by our Ithaca grounds and enjoy! Below is Teresa’s amazing story behind the chair.

The Poet-Tree chair project involves offering a space for people to write poetry and to leave behind their writings for others to read and perhaps be inspired by. There have been seven Poet-Tree chairs placed around Tompkins County to date. I’ve enjoyed the many thrills and benefits of finding notebooks filled with poems and thought-provoking reflections from people of all ages over the last few years.

Recently I’ve been encouraged to share my story. My intention is to share part of that story with you in the hopes that you might consider creating your own unique Poet-Tree chair space and to incorporate the concept into your setting.  My current goal is to write a small book describing my experience and I am looking to include how the concept I’ve developed can be adapted. 

Here is some background as to how this poetry project came to be. A few years ago, I began carrying a small notebook and pencil in my pocket when I hiked in the woods. I started writing short poems and observations about the moments I was encountering. The more I wrote, the more I began to to think about all the people who walked along the same trails and wondered what they had observed, what their experience had been. What if hikers were encouraged to observe their surroundings and then had the opportunity to write a simple poem? Would they?

Around the same time, while on a hike at the Roy H. Park Preserve, I saw someone had left a simple chair made from tree branches in the gorge where the two streams meet. I took a seat and reflected on the beauty around me. I loved the idea that someone had left the chair behind for others to enjoy. Something compelled me to take a photo of the chair. I’m glad I did because a few days later when I returned, the chair was gone. I don’t know what happened to it, but I was determined to make another one and put it back where the original one had been.

As I was building the chair I had the idea of placing a notebook with it where people could write about what they saw or what they were experiencing while they were sitting in the chair. I bought an inexpensive dry bag and inside put a notebook, pens, and short explanation of my discovery of the original chair and the inspiration it sparked. I encouraged people to sit in the replicated one, to relax, and to write if they felt moved to do so. 

A few friends of mine and I hiked into the gorge and assembled the chair. Each of us wrote a poem. I hoped our writing would prompt others to write. A few days later, I discovered several entries had been recorded by fellow hikers. There were simple poems and beautifully detailed observations of the natural world. Entry after entry began to appear over the weeks. I felt incredibly inspired. During the next month I would make six other chairs and place them along the hiking trails of Tompkins County. 

As the months went by and I read more of the writings, I became deeply moved by what was happening. People were using the chair to not only write fun and creative poems, but also to write down snapshots of their lives in that moment. Many of the writings were quite profound. People expressed gratitude for the opportunity to stop and reflect. Many felt a connection to others who had written in the book. It seemed as if a very special community was being formed by having this shared experience of writing while in the Poet-Tree chair.

  • Teresa in the poetry chair on the Hospicare grounds.
  • Hospicare’s Communications Coordinator, Brenna, takes a moment to write and reflect in the poetry chair.

Communal Grieving Can Offer Peace

Posted on by Hospicare

by Jane Baker Segelken, MA, MSW, part of the Social Work team at Hospicare & Palliative Care Services

At a time when rituals surrounding the death of a loved one seem to be lacking, one of the true gifts Hospicare gives the community is the opportunity to grieve with others in a way that feels supportive. It is a benefit that I and so many others have taken advantage of over the years, and importantly it’s available to anyone whether the person who died was a Hospicare patient or not. Grieving communally has a long history, as can be seen in the traditions of many cultures.

From Shiva to Day of the Dead

In Jewish practice, for example, mourners sit Shiva for seven days as a way to begin the spiritual and emotional healing process. One aspect of sitting Shiva is when those closest to the deceased welcome relatives, friends, co-workers, and others into their home for what is known as “making a shiva call.” The primary purpose is to provide a time when mourners join together sharing stories about the person who died and offering words of comfort. Each year on the anniversary of a loved one’s death, mourners burn a yahrzeit (“year time”) candle for an entire day.

Known as the second line or jazz funeral, New Orleans’ ritual funeral procession is essentially a parade where mourners and celebrants follow the casket, family members, and musicians who play a somber dirge as they work their way through the city’s streets to the cemetery. After the burial is complete, more joyous music is played as returning mourners celebrate the deceased’s life. Stemming back to slavery, the music and dancing that are part this tradition allow each participant to express their emotions in their own unique way while sharing their grief experience with others. Annually, many New Orleans residents celebrate the more subdued All Saints Day by visiting and decorating cemeteries.

Mexicans hold a vigil honoring the deceased with friends and family for one or two days, during which they eat, drink, and pray. Following this wake, the person who died is buried in his or her clothing with important possessions. The tradition Mexico is most known for is the “Day of the Dead” (el Día de los Muertos), an annual grief ritual that is observed by all Mexicans as a celebration to honor those who have died. Beautiful altars built by the families are decorated with flowers, candles, the deceased’s favorite foods, and pan de muerto, known as Day of the Dead bread. In addition to being held in the home, the celebration may take place in the local cemetery where families might picnic, play music, or spend the night. The goal of honoring the dead this way is to keep them from being forgotten.

Grief, Out Loud

What all these traditions and others offer are ways to express grief out loud — to mourn in our own way and on our own time in the company of others who are also grieving. For me, talking to others who understood how sad I felt helped me feel validated and that much closer to healing. Grieving communally allows us to speak and show our sorrow and ultimately feel less lonely. It is a way to feel connected.

Many grieving people say they feel like society gives a deadline at which point they are expected to “be over” their grief. A friend of mine whose husband had died said she felt so alone because just a few months after he passed away people stopped asking how she was doing. When she tried to talk about her spouse, others changed the subject. The implication was that she needed to “get over it” and “move on.” The reality is that there is no proscribed period of mourning, something my friend learned when she began attending groups and events where she felt heard. Grief has its own often non-linear timeline and is uniquely expressed by each person.

Hospicare Offers Fellowship to the Bereaved

The communal grieving opportunities at Hospicare include ongoing support groups, workshops, and public memorial events. Participating in these programs provides individuals with the opportunity to share thoughts, feelings, and experiences with others in similar situations and can enhance the healing process and reduce a sense of isolation. Information about the available programs and other services, including one-to-one counseling, can be found at https://www.hospicare.org/grief-support or by calling 607-272-0212.

Upcoming Event: Illuminations, A Community Memorial

Join Hospicare on June 9 from 7:30 – 9:00 pm for the annual Illuminations Community Memorial. Enjoy the Hospicare gardens, light a luminaria in memory of a loved one, and share in a special program of remembrance featuring live music, poetry, and concluding with a sunset rendition of “Taps” alongside the pond. The event will be entirely outdoors, rain or shine! Light refreshments will be served. In case of inclement weather, event will be held under a tent. Social distancing and masks are encouraged. Attendance is free. Register at hospicare.org/event/illuminations-community-memorial-2/ or contact us with questions at events@hospicare.org or 607-272-0212.

Hospicare Volunteers Develop Wonderful, Close Relationships

Posted on by Hospicare

by Jane Baker Segelken, MA, MSW, part of the Social Work team at Hospicare

For Cortland County resident Conni Bentley, volunteering for Hospicare is fulfilling because she’s making a real difference in someone’s life. “The happiness and satisfaction that comes from providing comfort to others is enlightening and rewarding. The more volunteer work I do, the greater my overall happiness,” she said.

Volunteers like Conni who provide five percent of patient care are part of Hospicare’s interdisciplinary team of providers offering support to patients at the end of their lives. Volunteers work in collaboration with Hospicare’s registered nurses, social workers, spiritual care leaders, home health aides, administrative staff, and medical director. What volunteering for Hospicare gives individuals is an opportunity to offer many needed services to the organization and/or the patients and their families.

Hospicare volunteers include administrative support volunteers who work in the office or remotely to assist staff in all areas; community support volunteers who help with peer-to-peer fundraising initiatives or support events; and direct patient support volunteers who assist patients and families in a variety of ways. Currently, Hospicare is most in need of patient support volunteers, especially in Cortland County.

Patient Support Volunteers

Patient support volunteers provide emotional support and companionship to hospice patients and their families. These volunteers visit patients in a variety of locations such as a private home, a nursing home, or an assisted living facility. They spend time sitting quietly or talking with patients; playing games or watching a movie with them; helping them with small household tasks, running errands, or picking up groceries. Sometimes a volunteer will help with a personal project, such as organizing photographs or recording stories. At other times they may bring an instrument and play music. In all cases, the activities are driven by the patient and what he or she believes will be of most value. Visits might be a quick drop in or may last several hours. It’s important to know that volunteers do not provide any medical or hands-on care. Other services volunteers may provide include:

  • Tuck In: a weekly phone call to help identify weekend needs and/or a friendly phone call during the week to chat
  • Pampering: setting or brushing hair, rubbing lotion into a patient’s hands or feet, or painting fingernails
  • Massage: licensed massage therapists offer relaxing massage to patients
  • Reiki Masters: certified reiki masters offer healing energy work to patients
  • Threshold Choir: trained singers (in small groups or solo) offer comforting music to patients and their families
  • Vigil: offering compassionate presence with a loved one in the last few days
  • Grief Support: families receive supportive phone calls and mailings
  • Landscape volunteers: help take care of the grounds including weeding and filling the bird feeders

Conni has served as a tuck-in volunteer, which she says involves “friendly contact with patients by telephone to ensure they have enough meds and supplies for the weekend. Calls are made on Thursday so the patient’s nurse can schedule a visit if needed on Friday to check on the patient or to deliver supplies. Even though the contact is made by telephone, wonderful and close relationships develop with the patient, family member, and/or caregiver,” said Conni.

Having a volunteer as part of the care team is meaningful for patients and families because they offer an extra personal touch of support. “Volunteers are an essential part of the team, offering a compassionate presence at a vulnerable time,” said Wendy Yettru, Manager of Volunteer Services. “Showing up and meeting patients and families where they are is a win/win for all involved.”

Becoming a Volunteer

How do people become Hospicare volunteers? Many who consider volunteering are already knowledgeable about hospice services because they had a family member or friend who received care. Others may know of the organization because they work in the healthcare field. However, many people are brand new to the concept of hospice. All volunteers have a desire to assist patients as they near the end of their lives with a unique level of solace, camaraderie, and support. To be successful, one needs to be compassionate, empathetic, and a good listener.

Interested in learning more about volunteering? All Hospicare volunteers are required to go through a specialized training, which is held at various times throughout the year. For more information, contact Wendy Yettru at wyettru@hospicare.org or 607-272-0212.

How to Help in Times of Grief

Posted on by Hospicare

by Jane Baker Segelken, MA, MSW, part of the Social Work team at Hospicare

How many times have you wanted to help a grieving loved one or friend but wondered how? In general, there are no right or wrong approaches. The more we understand grief and its path — and gain insight into the various ways people grieve — the better able we are to respond to the needs of the bereaved.

Whether our loss is the death of a loved one or a pet, or the demise of a job, a divorce, or an ability, what we feel — whether it is pain, relief, or another emotion — is natural. That doesn’t mean that grief can’t become unhealthy — it can. The key is to learn to move forward with grief, as writer Nora McInerny shares in a Ted Talk. On her website she advises “The cure for grief is not ‘be not sad’ and the cure for anger isn’t ‘be unangry!’ It’s feeling all of the things, even the uncomfortable ones, without judging yourself for them.”

How individuals grieve is a highly personal, sometimes complicated, process. For many people, one of the most challenging aspects of grieving is their relationships. Grieving individuals may fall into one of two categories: the person who says they prefer being left alone while grieving, and the one who doesn’t want to be alone and seeks out connections with others.

Individuals who intentionally self-isolate do so for a variety of reasons. They may not want to cry in public or they may worry that if they talk about their grief, others will feel uncomfortable. Sometimes people realize that the activities they once enjoyed don’t have the same appeal, or the endeavor may make them sad because it was something they liked to do with the person who is no longer in their life.

On the other hand, there is the person who intentionally seeks out the company of others, hoping for support and understanding they aren’t receiving elsewhere. Support groups, such as the ones offered at Hospicare, are a great way to find camaraderie with others who are mourning similar losses. The individual who looks to others may also want to keep as much of their usual routine as possible while they are grieving by engaging in work, volunteer activities, or hobbies.

Regardless, the key to helping a loved one who’s grieving is to not worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. The important thing is that you listen to what they need and let them know that you’re there to help in whatever way feels right, even if it means stepping back temporarily.

4 Specific things you can do to help:

Author Megan Devine writes that no one can know another’s grief in the way the bereaved is experiencing it. As supportive friends and family, we are looking from the outside in. Most individuals want to be understood, not cheered up, she advises. For those reasons, Devine writes, “how we talk about grief matters.”

The following tips offer a guide to how we can nurture our relationships with those who are grieving.

  • Understand the grieving process. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Don’t tell your friend or loved one what they should be doing or feeling. Unless you fear they are a danger to themselves or to others, let them ride the emotions with their erratic highs and lows.
  • Connect.  Don’t let fears about saying or doing the wrong thing stop you from reaching out, but don’t be pushy. Make sure your loved one/friend knows you’re ready to listen. Be willing to sit in silence. Encourage the bereaved person to be kind to themselves, and others to be kind to them.
  • Offer opportunities. Help your loved one/friend keep a routine even if it’s scheduling a regular time for the two of you to take a walk or set up check-ins. It’s important to avoid saying things such as “you are so strong,” as comments like that don’t allow the bereaved to show their true feelings.
  • Remember the anniversary. Tell your loved one/friend he or she is on your mind on the day of the loss. Ask how they’re coping. Share memories, photographs, and stories. Cook a favorite meal or listen to music together.

Hospicare Welcomes New Staff: HR Manager and Two Team Leads

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Over the winter and spring we’ve welcomed several new team members to Hospicare, and we’d like to give you a chance to get to know them:

Stephanie received her Bachelor’s degree from the ILR School at Cornell and her JD from Northeastern University School of Law. She is a licensed attorney in both Massachusetts and New York and loves being able to use her legal training and employment law background every day working in HR. She also loves working in HR because she enjoys helping people navigate work challenges and feel engaged and fulfilled in their jobs.

Stephanie is inspired working at Hospicare in particular because the staff lead with their hearts. She holds a deep respect for Hospicare’s mission and says that “working here every day, I am reminded of the truly important things in life.” Having grown up in Ithaca, she has been a part of the Hospicare community long before joining as staff. Her grandmother’s memorial was held in the Great Room in 2005, and she participated in Women Swimmin’ in 2010. Stephanie loves podcasts, coffee, yoga, hiking, camping, and her cat.

Christina has been a nurse for almost fourteen years. In that time, she has experienced many different types of nursing. She started at Hospicare in 2009 as a PN and worked until 2015. She then worked at Bridges Cornell Height as a DON, Administrator, CM, and janitor on the weekends. At Bridges, she trained her staff to think as hospicare aids and nurses. She returned to Hospicare because she loves this organization and is excited to be back.

Christina is a lifelong Tompkins County resident. She comes from a long line of Ithacans with a huge extended family. She lives with her husband of 27 years, four children, flock of chickens, and rescue dog. She loves gardening, cooking, working on puzzles, and crocheting.

Julie, RN-BSN, has been a Licensed Massage Therapist for fifteen years. While practicing massage and raising her kids, she became a birth doula and dabbled a great deal in home birth. She also went back to school and became a nurse. She worked in labor and delivery for a while, then in a primary care practice as a nurse manager and perinatal nurse. After transitioning into hospice care work, she “fell in love with a new kind of nursing, caring, and compassion during some of the most intimate and critical times of a person’s life.” She is thrilled to have found a new home working at Hospicare.

Julie is an original west-cost gal who came to upstate NY as a young girl and has migrated back and forth several times throughout her life. She is a wife, a mother of three adult kids, and an “Oma” to four beautiful grandchildren with one more on the way. Julie loves all four seasons and finds solace in horseback riding, quilting, nature, gardening, camping, hiking, and being near all bodies of water. She also loves to write and hopes to publish a book one day.

Hospicare Welcomes New Staff in Development and Community Relations

Posted on by Hospicare

Over the winter and spring we’ve welcomed several new team members to Hospicare, and we’d like to give you a chance to get to know them:

Emily Hopkins is an army veteran and a graduate of West Virginia University and Johns Hopkins University. She has worked in fundraising and institutional advancement for many years. In her eight years at Cornell University, she was a writer in Principal Gifts, Major Gifts, and University Communications. She was the senior editor of Cornell’s Ezra magazine and later helped raise money and organize stewardship and events for Cornell’s Prison Education Program.

Before moving to Ithaca, Emily was a magazine editor at Scholastic (Instructor, Afterschool, Choices) and a fact checker at the New Yorker magazine, where a dozen or so of her cartoons were published between 2004 and 2008.  As a volunteer, she has served as vice president of the board for Cinemapolis and as president of the Tompkins County Public Library Foundation Board of Directors. She’s also done fundraising work for the First Unitarian Society of Ithaca, Ithaca Children’s Garden, the College Initiative at OAR, and the Cancer Resource Center of the Finger Lakes. She is author of the popular illustrated weekly newsletter Emily Writes Back, “an advice column for brilliant people.”  

Kimari has worked in higher education for over twenty years. In addition to teaching English classes, she has held a variety of administrative roles including writing center director, faculty advisor to the honor society, and writing editor for the TC3 literary magazine. Coordinating events like induction ceremonies and educational programming has always been one of the highlights of her work. Kimari enjoys volunteering for local causes, and she is a poet and avid traveler who loves meeting people.   

Brenna Fitzgerald is a writer, editor, and coach empowering people to discover and nourish their most authentic voice. She teaches yoga and meditation and hosts a podcast called Creative Recovery where she explores creativity as an agent of healing and social change in conversation with people of diverse backgrounds and identities. 

Brenna has lived and worked in many different countries and loves learning about other cultures. Some of her previous professional roles have included teaching English in Japan, serving as a social justice educator, and most recently working as a Communications and Outreach Coordinator for the Cornell Southeast Asia Program.

Brenna is driven to create impact in the world through her writing and through working directly with people in a healing capacity. Recently, Brenna had the honor of facilitating a workshop for the Hospicare community called “Recovering your Creative Spirit in Grief.” She is thrilled to be joining Hospicare as the Communications Coordinator and to be working with others also committed to helping people understand the importance of hospice, palliative care, and grief support.

“I have witnessed firsthand the power of Hospicare’s mind-body-spirit approach to supporting people at the end of their life and in grief. It is a true honor for me to join an organization such as Hospicare whose mission and commitment to serving others is in alignment with my own heart’s calling.”