Category: Events

Feeling, Honoring, and Releasing Our Stories of Grief

Posted on by Hospicare

By Kathy Lucas, Holistic Movement Coach, Dancer, and Steel Club Specialist

Dance had always been a home that I could retreat to in times of joy, frustration, hope and healing. It has given me permission to explore the pit of inner crises and became my personal processing tool that had no rules or filters. I cherish this relationship, which is why it felt like a dagger to my heart when the keys to my “home” didn’t quite open the door after I lost my father.

I thought, “I just need to find my way back to my body. I need to move this grief through. I’ll find some relief!” But grief grounded me into recognizing that this significant loss required a slow and more contemplative approach to moving with the grief patterns than I had and have experienced. During the beginning months of my loss, I felt heavy, sleepy, exhausted, devastated, weepy, and totally unmotivated. As an intuitive, active, sensitive, curious person, I felt as if something swooped in, pushed the “old me” out, and set up shop as a completely different being. I struggled for months thinking that there was something wrong with me. The pain of losing my father felt so immense. How could I snap back and pick up from where I left off? How could I get back to work, back to socializing, back to projects, and perhaps most genuinely, how could I make my way back into dance?

With so much change in my life, my journey of exploring ways to heal through dance would convey that this grief had a lot to teach me. I started to observe and journal some of the physical sensations that would surface through moments of grief and grieving. I’d give myself permission to sit, breathe, or move with them in ways that felt organic to my process. Some days I couldn’t move an inch! All that was needed was to acknowledge what was true and observe the shapes or postures that my body was trying to reveal—an honoring of sorts. The body is wise, and when we take time to become aware of how we hold ourselves, move, walk, sit or even interact with others, we have an opportunity to enter greater clarity of what may or may not need to be expressed. Through greater awareness, I have found that I can have compassion for my grief journey. I’m learning to be patient and walk beside her vs running from her.

The more aware I become, the stronger my desire to use movement to chisel away at the heaviness of loss. Experimenting with moving through space manifested as a sort of “clearing.” It has given me a connection to release and hope. Megan Devine, author of It’s OK That You’re Not OK writes, “Your pain needs space to unfold.” This struck me to my core and prompted me to ask, “How much space do you give yourself to grieve?” With this prompt, I started to map out the physical space that I’ve honestly allowed myself to grieve. The space was an outline of my body! Why? Pressure. Pressure that our society places on us to “return to normal; get back to it; move on. But with loss, we change, so there is no going back. We learn a new identity, and this learning process takes time, space, patience, and love.

As I continue to allow for more space to grieve, I give myself more freedom to move and dance through the textures, shapes, gestures and stories of grief and loss. And through this experiment, an extension of love that I have for my father grows between us, building space and opening the doors to dance again.

My upcoming workshop, which will be held outdoors on the Hospicare grounds, focuses on introspection as it relates to static energy of the body, mind, and spirit. We’ll bring awareness to stored tension and the manifestations of grief in the body by exploring breath work, gestures, physical shapes, movement pathways and verbal expression. “The body says what the words cannot” -Martha Graham. Registration is required by September 14th. REGISTER HERE. For more information contact the Bereavement staff via phone at 607-272-0212 or email bereavement@hospicare.org.

EVENT INFORMATION

Feeling, Honoring and Releasing Our Stories of Grief: Using Dance and Movement as a Healing Landscape

Facilitator: Kathy Lucas

Date: Monday, September 19, 2022 Time: 5:30 p.m.-7:00 pm

Location: Hospicare & Palliative Care Services, 172 E. King Road, Ithaca, NY

Finding Ways to Mourn Your Loss

Posted on by Hospicare

by Jane Baker Segelken, MA, MSW, part of the Social Work team at Hospicare & Palliative Care Services

People who are grieving often hear all kinds of advice about the best way to mourn. All the suggestions we receive may have some semblance of helpfulness, but the fact is there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. What we do and what works for us depends on our personality, our life experiences, the significance of the loss, and many other things.

In his book, The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief, Francis Weller encourages mourners to express their grief communally, often through ritual. In a 2015 interview with Tim McKee of The Sun Magazine, Weller said that “Expressing grief has always been a challenge. The main difference between our society and societies in the past is how private we are with it today.”

Weller explains that grief is not meant to be carried as a “solitary burden,” and yet the message many of us receive in our sorrow is “Get over it. Get back to work.” We are not meant to handle grief in isolation, he says in the interview. And yet more often than not the bereaved rarely feel the kindness or compassion or community they need to face their sorrows. He suggests that observances and rituals can help those experiencing loss stay connected to their sorrow.

Formal Rituals and Other Practices

The most obvious rituals involve events such as wakes, funerals, and shiva. For example, traditionally a Catholic wake involves family and friends keeping watch over the body of the deceased, usually in their home. After a Jewish burial, mourners return to the home of the deceased or a close friend/family member to “sit Shiva,” which involves saying prayers and other rituals that encourage facing the fact of the death.

According to funeralbasics.org, funerals, the most universal of rituals, help us acknowledge the reality of the death; give testimony to the life of the deceased; encourage the expression of grief in a way consistent with the culture’s values; provide support to mourners; allow for the embracing of faith and beliefs about life and death; and offers continuity and hope for the living.

Of course, rituals around mourning are not limited in any way to the wake, shiva, or funeral. For some people, the ritual can be as simple as taking a walk, says Rabbi Brian of Religion Outside the Box. For others, a ritual can be cooking the favorite meal of the deceased on the same day each week, creating an altar, leaving something at the gravesite, continuing a monthly activity in honor of the deceased, or engaging in a regular writing exercise. It doesn’t have to be an act performed in a prescribed order; instead, our actions are aimed at tending to our grief.

The author, Weller, explains that “it’s up to us to devise our own rituals … Our rituals must speak to the particular ways we’ve been shaped, or misshaped, by our culture.” Ritual, he adds, “has the capacity to derange us, to shake us out of the old forms. We need that derangement, because the current arrangement isn’t working.” The idea, however, is not to forget the person we’re mourning or the event we’re grieving. The goal is to be present with and express our despair.

One practice that mourners find helpful is writing about a significant loss they experienced. Writing about the person, the loss, and any rituals they did seems to help people make sense of what they experienced. This kind of ritual is best done without censorship, without worry that the writing, spelling, or grammar isn’t perfect, and with the courage to let our emotions spill out. Writing to Ease Grief and Loss, which appeared in the November 15, 2016 Harvard Medical School publication explained “some research suggests that disclosing deep emotions through writing can boost immune function as well as mood and well-being. Conversely, the stress of holding in strong feelings can ratchet up blood pressure and heart rate and increase muscle tension.”

Upcoming Events

During the month of September, Hospicare is hosting two special programs that may be of interest to the bereaved. On the 6, 13, 20, and 27th  from 6-8 p.m. via Zoom, Jane Baker Segelken, MSW, will facilitate Writing Your Loss Story, a four-week writing program that provides therapeutic prompts for the bereaved to use to tell their story. On September 15 from 6-7:30 p.m., Hospicare’s Communications Coordinator, Brenna Fitzgerald, will facilitate an interactive discussion of the book The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller.

See https://www.hospicare.org/event/writing-your-loss-story/2022-09-13/ for more information and to register for the writing program; go to https://www.hospicare.org/event/virtual-book-discussion-the-wild-edge-of-sorrow-by-francis-weller/ to register for the book discussion event. Or call 607-272-0212.

Nineteen Years of Women Swimmin’ for Hospicare

Posted on by Hospicare

by Jane Baker Segelken, MA, MSW, part of the Social Work team at Hospicare & Palliative Care Services

With planning for Hospicare’s Women Swimmin’ in full swing now, excitement for the event is growing. This year the event will be in person with all its splash. Joan Brumburg and Ann Costello, two of the event’s original creators, were happy to sit down and reflect on what they both acknowledge as the best family-focused feminist event in Ithaca.

“If you identify as female you can swim,” Joan said, adding that the opportunity given to women to come together with a common goal of supporting a vital, well-loved agency is very powerful. For some participants, the reason to swim is deeply personal — a family member or friend may have received services from Hospicare. For others, the event offers the perfect opportunity to accomplish a challenging goal. “It takes a bit of daring to swim in the lake,” Joan said.

Joan should know what courage it takes to swim. When she turned 60, 19 years ago, Joan had her physical with Ann, a local physician, who asked her what she wanted to do that she hadn’t yet. Joan replied she wanted to swim across the lake, and Ann said she’d do that with her. “We decided to turn the swim into a fundraiser for Hospicare,” Joan said. They thought they’d get 25 others to swim with them and maybe raise $5,000. “That first year 126 women swam, and together we raised $54,000 dollars,” Ann explained. Since that first event, Women Swimmin’ has raised more than $5 million for Hospicare.

Women Swimmin’ is a fundraising event that helps sustain the nurturing attention that Hospicare & Palliative Care Services gives to patients and their loved ones at any stage of a life-limiting illness and/or following a death. The annual event raises funds and provides information and education about the agency and its mission in a manner that is inclusive, fun, and consistent with Hospicare’s respect for all people. Because of the generosity of corporate sponsors, every dollar raised goes directly to patient care. 

“We do this because we believe in the mission of the organization,” Ann explained, adding that they see how it helps family, friends, and in her case, patients. “Our goal is to make sure the agency has what it needs.”

Swimming with a personal goal

The power of the event can’t be understated. It’s a group of people that are united with a common, often deeply personal goal. Women Swimmin’ captures one of the things Ithaca is known for: the tradition of athletic events that support local agencies. The lake in all its glory is the perfect venue for a big summer happening.

While only women can swim, individuals of any gender can participate. Joan’s husband and son have been swimmers-escort boaters and volunteers with other tasks. Ann’s son has boated. Musicians play music to welcome the swimmers back on land. The Brous family, of Ithaca Bakery fame, has generously provided bagels, fruit, and beverages to all swimmers and volunteers since year one. And many other businesses contribute goods, services, and money.

This year, Ashley Mungiello is looking forward to “watching the sun rise over the lake as I think of how lucky I am to have had the most incredible father for the last 40 years.” A14-year participant in Women Swimmin’, she knows first-hand what it means when others say it’s a family affair. Ashley started boating with her father while her mother, sister, and friends swam across the lake. Every one of them had a personal connection to Hospicare, and even more so now; Ashley’s father died peacefully last summer receiving support from Hospicare’s team of caregivers.

For those who don’t swim or boat, an alternative called Go the Distance! makes the event even more inclusive. Individuals — regardless of age or gender — set an activity or service goal in support of Hospicare. Whether one is walkin’, knittin’, bikin’, pickin’ up trash, etc., the goal and outcome are the same: support of compassionate care in our community! For example, Joan is walking her Westie at least 150 miles in July and August. 

Four ways you can still participate:

Women Swimmin’ — held this year on Saturday, August 13 from 6:00 a.m. to noon — is a total team effort:

  • Go the Distance – Set an activity or service goal in support of Hospicare
  • Be a Support Boater – Sign up to assist swimmers across the lake
  • Donate
  • Volunteer

For more information and to sign up to volunteer go to womenswimmin.org or call Kimari Johnson at 607-272-0212.

Also, check out this informational video that captures the spirit of Women Swimmin’:

Illuminations 2021

Posted on by Hospicare

At Hospicare we provide palliative care, hospice and grief support to all residents of Cortland and Tompkins counties. 

Illuminations, our annual community memorial, is a part of the fabric of our community, allowing us to honor and remember loved ones who have died.  Every year, we offer this memorial service as a way for the community to come together and grieve our losses.  

Due to Covid, it was a hybrid event this year. A small group of our staff was able to hold the ceremony in the Hospicare gardens – the ceremony was livestreamed for guests via Zoom. 

On Thursday, June 10, we lit luminaries across Hospicare’s grounds, each light representing the loved ones we remembered and celebrated for the contributions they made to our lives. The ritual was presented by members of our incredible staff: Joe Sammons (executive director), Edna Brown (social worker), Rebecca Schillenbeck (spiritual care provider), and Rachel Fender (social worker). We honored the parents, children, siblings, grandparents, family members and friends who helped shape us and our worlds.  

Watch the recording of Illuminations and create a ritual of remembrance for your loved one.

In closing, Rachel Fender shared a poem that captures the beauty and power of collective healing. It is titled “If the trees can keep dancing, so can I” and is an adaptation of a poem written by Nancy Cross Dunham.

What I’m learning about grief
is that it sits in the space between laughs
comes in the dark steals the warmth from the bed covers threads sleep with thin tendrils
is a hauntingly familiar song,
yet I can’t remember the words…

The poem was collectively written, crowdsourced by over 30 people living across the United States and internationally. You can read the crowdsourced version here and the original here.  

Please reach out if you need additional support for processing your grief check out our grief support resources here.

Regaining Well-Being Through Forgiveness

Posted on by Hospicare

by Mara Alper

We are all faced with the question of whether or not to forgive many times in our lives.

Each time it is challenging. Yet there are ways of seeing it that simplify the question. Forgiveness is a choice that allows us to heal on our own, without the offender apologizing or even acknowledging their part.  Forgiving in this way is for the benefit of the person who forgives, not for the wrongdoer. It does not mean what the other did was all right.

We can also choose to forgive ourselves; sometimes this can be even harder than forgiving another. In our culture, we often hear the phrase, “Forgive and forget.” But it isn’t about forgetting. It is about regaining the energy tied up in anger and hurt about past stories, and using it for far better purposes.

When we lose a parent, a loved one, faith in someone else or ourselves, we become vulnerable in a way that feels exposed beyond endurance. To protect ourselves, we may harden into anger or explode with blame, as we attempt to restore our sense of safety.  Deep hurt may propel us to say or feel, “I can never forgive you” or “I can never forgive myself.”

We may become fixed in that moment of time. We create a story about our grievance and repeat it to others and ourselves. Our outward lives continue, but our anger and hurt tie us to that point of pain and it lives on, consuming our life energy in ways we barely realize, until one day if we’re lucky, we may wake up and say — enough, this exhausts me.

I came to this place several times in my life. The first time, I faced difficult childhood recollections and over time began to understand the value of forgiveness. Each time after that allowed me to experience how forgiving helped me in ways I did not imagine possible. The turning point each time was the realization that my anger and hurt kept me completely connected to the one I was angry at, that I could not move on while I was caught in these feelings. I inadvertently learned about forgiveness because of my life circumstances and unwillingness to let the past deflate my life energy any longer.

I choose to tell my stories publicly so that others will have the courage to tell theirs. Stories can heal us. My healing process included making documentaries about my journey. These stories were heard by thousands of people around the world and helped them heal.

We tell ourselves repetitive stories about how things were and stay locked in these tales. Yet, shifting the story to consider other possibilities, new ways to see the situation, has positive effects in a short time. Our eyes are opened, our hearts softened. We can move on from a place of depletion toward renewed energy.

When I work with people about forgiveness, I ask them to write down their story the way they tell it to others. We tend to develop a few set sentences or paragraphs that tell our tale. In the workshops, we write our usual story, and then distill it into a few brief sentences and say them aloud to someone else. They listen carefully and repeat it back to us as they heard it and felt it. We hear it in a new way. A shift begins.

Hearing our own story in a neutral way, hearing the compassion someone else feels for our story, softens us toward our self. We feel tenderness for ourselves as if the story were someone else’s. From this tender place, we begin a meditation on forgiving ourselves. In gradual steps, we bring light into our darkened places. By the end of the workshops, a shift toward hope is possible. It happens when we learn to retell our own story with acceptance of our own and each other’s humanity. Forgiveness opens a door.

We can choose to forgive not because we ought to, but because it helps us heal.

Forgiveness is a choice that allows us to heal from past hurts that diminish our lives and effect our health and well-being.

 The focus of the two-part workshop “Finding Forgiveness: Healing After the Loss of a Parent” is to help adult children experience forgiveness as an on-going process, even after death. Learning to forgive our parents and ourselves opens positive possibilities.

During the workshop, you will experience a forgiveness process through a blend of meditation, discussion, journaling, brief exercises and gentle movement to guide you toward a softened heart and healing. This workshop is for anyone who has been hurt, but has not yet healed.

Learning to forgive our parents and ourselves opens positive possibilities. Thursday, May 13 & 20, 7:00-8:30pm. 

Register for Mara’s Virtual Workshop Here

MARA ALPER is a teacher, media artist and writer. Her documentaries Stories No One Wants To Hear (1993) and Forgiveness: A Healing Documentary (2006) have reached world-wide audiences about healing past pain. She inadvertently learned about forgiveness because of her life circumstances and her unwillingness to let the past deflate her life energy any longer. Her award-winning documentaries and video art have screened nationally and internationally.  www.MaraAlper.com

Song Bath with the Threshold Choir

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This program was offered by the Hospicare Threshold Choir of Ithaca on February 21, 2021.

The choir members are volunteers at Hospicare. Our volunteers provide assistance to patients and their families in a variety of ways, and for Threshold Choir members that way is through music. Other Hospicare volunteers offer companionship, respite for caregivers, light housekeeping, and assistance with shopping. This is done in the patient’s home setting or our 6-bed residence on East King Road in Ithaca.

The Hospicare chapter of the Threshold Choir was started in 2017 by Jayne Demakos, then director of Hospicare’s Music Program. Threshold Choir as an organization was founded by singer/songwriter Kate Munger in 2000, and now has over 150 chapters worldwide.

Threshold Choirs sing for people at the threshold of life as well as for their families and friends, in private homes, nursing homes, assisted living facilities, hospitals and hospices. The choir sings in groups of 2 to 4 singers using the instrument that we all have, the human voice, to share songs of comfort and caring. 

Members of the choir are not performers. The choir sings to people who may have different levels of attention and different needs. They may sing softly and gently to someone who has fallen asleep or someone might sing along with us, requesting songs that have special meaning for them. The Threshold Choir does their best to honor wherever they are on their journey.

Since bedside singing is not currently possible, Hospicare’s Threshold Choir is exploring creative ways to share their voices and presence. The Song Bath focuses on sharing the joy of singing and promoting a feeling of well-being and ease.

We invite you to sit back or lie down, close your eyes, if you would like, and be bathed in songs that soothe the soul.

We hope that you enjoyed listening to our talented choir and that it brought you peace and a sense of calm during this crazy time in the world. Thank you to all the singers for letting us into their homes and for showing us what magic they can bring to someone in need.   

If you are interested in the Threshold Choir please contact Wendy Yettru at 607-272-0212 or WYettru@hospicare.org.

Winter Solace Community Memorial

Posted on by Hospicare

Although we could not be together in person, our virtual memorial on December 6th was incredibly moving and we thank everyone who participated, either by attending or by sending in names of loved ones.
 

For the first part of the memorial we took advantage of Zoom technology and broke out into small groups for intimate conversations in breakout room. We were honored that so many people choose to open up and share both their joy and sorrows.  We offered tips on how to cope with the upcoming holidays and participants shared stories of how we are choosing to remember our loved ones this year.

We’ve created a short video for those who weren’t able to join us.  Please enjoy our memorial video which features the wonderful music of Travis Knapp and a slideshow memorializing the community’s loved ones.

Always remember, Hospicare is here for you. The holidays are not going to be the same this year but know that you are in our thoughts. May peace and grace find you in the New Year.  

VIDEO: Illuminations 2020

Posted on by Hospicare

Enjoy the recording of our Virtual Community Memorial. As we navigate these uncertain times, how we define and feel grief is changing. We mourn the significant loss of loved ones in our lives, as well as the 114,000+ Americans who died as a result of the pandemic. We grieve for the turmoil in our country, the loss of “normal,” and the ways in which we have had to modify our ways of life and our interactions with one another.

(Fast forward through first 5 minutes)

Tips & Tricks for Registration Day 2018!

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