Category: Grief and Bereavement

I was a Designated Hugger

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by Kira Lallas, LMSW

As a bereavement counselor for Hospicare, part of my job is to reach out to loved ones of those who’ve died on hospice services. This can mean coming in to contact with all kinds of people, from many backgrounds, with a variety of needs and temperaments at a very vulnerable time of life.

It is important to be open and to let people know I genuinely care about their well-being as they face loss, as well as to be sensitive to people who don’t want to open up and may not want to share what they’re facing. So my approach is direct and responsive, ready to be present with people and cautious to let them be if they’d like.

When I was a hugger for Women Swimmin’, my job was to greet swimmers as they came out of the water after their swim, to embrace, congratulate, and thank them. As the first swimmers came in, I could feel a similar sense of cautiousness about immediately hugging people that I might have not met before – did they want to be hugged? Was that too direct or close for some? Should I really hug everyone?

But as the women actually climbed out of the water onto the dock, excited and proud, smiling and sometimes crying, I too became excited and proud, and was smiling and sometimes crying. I felt so moved by these hundreds of women who had spent long weeks or months asking friends, family, and strangers for donations, readying their bodies to make the swim, and readying their hearts to feel whatever they might in honor of one or many loved ones who’ve died.

Needless to say it was both fun and moving to be a hugger at Women Swimmin. And, as so often happens when offering families support: what seems like Hospicare giving to patients or families is in fact others truly giving to Hospicare, by sharing such a special and intimate time of life with us. Instead of giving hundreds of hugs that Saturday in August, it turned out I received them.

This article was originally published in Hospicare’s September 2012 e-newsletter. At the time, Kira was the Hospice and Community Bereavement Counselor. While she is no longer in that role, Kira continues her involvement with Hospicare as a per diem social worker and occasionally leads special bereavement groups. She’s also continues to support Women Swimmin’ for Hospicare.

Finding Comfort In Everyday Things

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When a Mother Dies

Three months after I started working at Hospicare my mother died of complications from Alzheimer’s Disease. I thought I would be prepared for her death. After all, I had been grieving the loss of her for years. It had been a while since she had recognized me and even longer since she had remembered a birthday or initiated contact. But I was not prepared.

A friend whose parent had died of dementia told me, after death, memories of the disease fade and recollections of the person as she was resurface. I was skeptical, but I have realized that my friend’s insight is true. Now that I’m not confronted by the stark reality of my mother’s Alzheimer’s, in my mind’s eye she is the younger, alert, capable and loving woman she always had been. That has eased the loss of her.

I have found comfort in small everyday things: wearing jewelry that was hers, making a favorite family recipe. On her birthday and the anniversary of her death, I wear her favorite color, blue. Mother’s Day is still tough for me. While she was alive I could still reach out and connect on some level. But now Mother’s Day is a hard-to-avoid reminder that I no longer have a mother. I have found ways to cope. Hospicare’s grief support group provided an outlet for my grief and let me know I’m not alone. And every May since my mother’s death I get blue hair extensions. Mom would probably have been horrified by them. But for me the extensions have become a fun way to remember her on Mother’s Day.

Surviving the Holidays

Posted on by Hospicare

The loss of a loved one can feel especially poignant around holidays, birthdays, anniversaries or other special times.

Holidays like Mothers’ Day or Fathers’ Day can be difficult for those who have lost a parent or a child. For grievers who have lost a parent, seeing others celebrating their parents can be painful. For those who have lost a child, Mothers’ or Fathers’ may be an especially painful reminder of their loss.

The holiday excitement and demands that come along toward the end of the year can be an exceptionally overwhelming time of the year for those who are grieving. Holidays such as Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas, Kwanza and New Years are filled with traditions and memories. They are the days typically set aside to celebrate with family and friends around gift giving and food. No matter how and when these actual days are commemorated; our culture certainly puts a great amount of emphasize on them. Stores are filled with holiday music, decorations and enticements for the perfect gift to have on your shopping list.  So how do you cope during this season of merriment when you have experienced the death of a loved one?

Some suggestions that can be useful include:

  • Plan ahead-anticipate on how you might want to spend the day and plan accordingly
  • Consider doing something different than how you have usually celebrated the holidays. Perhaps going out to eat will feel easier than preparing a large meal at home.
  • Give yourself the option to change plans at the last minute if necessary. Grief is such an unpredictable experience, even if you make a decision for how you want to spend the holiday, you may decide differently when the actual day arrives.
  • Try to shift your perspective to be able to deal with your loved one’s absence. Perhaps your focus could be on the “gifts” he or she left behind. Healing may be in the form of gratitude for these unique “presents.” Only you know what they are and how they can help you heal.

Losing My Mother and My Touchstone

Posted on by Hospicare

How support groups brought consolation

By Edie Reagan, M.Div., LMSW

Late one autumn afternoon, some years ago, my mother died.  Although I had experienced other losses—that of a brother and a much-loved sister-in-law— the death of my mother struck me at my core, in a way that I had never before experienced.

She was an anchor in my life—the touchstone that I would return to, again and again, to remember who I was, where I came from, and what was most important in life.

Soon after she died, I remember feeling like an astronaut, drifting aimlessly in space, one whose lifeline to the “mothership” had been abruptly chopped in two. I didn’t know who I was or how to “be”, without her. The morning after she died, I awoke at 4:00 a.m. and found myself in a shockingly bleak place. It felt very dark and cold and empty. I remember thinking to myself, “This must be the grief that I have read about. Now, for the first time, I am experiencing it.”

Several months later, I walked through the doors at Hospicare, looking for help. (This was long before I became  a member of the staff here.) I sat down among a circle of strangers, but, by the time I walked out of the room that evening, I felt a deep sense of kinship with each person there. These people really understood firsthand, what I was experiencing. And what a precious gift that was. It was a great source of consolation and strength, just to be together with others who had also lost a loved one—others who were also trying to find their way through a morass of intensely painful feelings and reconstruct the pieces of their lives.

This sense of “kinship” with others is a hidden grace that we may discover within the journey of grief. We can become aware, perhaps for the very first time, that loss and grief are an inevitable part of every person’s experience. And that realization can bring us a sense of comfort and connection, even in the midst of our heartache.

 

Edie is Hospicare’s Spiritual Care Coordinator.

Creating a Family Gift

Posted on by Hospicare

Holidays can be extremely difficult for those who have experienced the death of a loved one, especially during the first year after the death. At a time when everyone is supposed to be thankful, happy and enjoying themselves, the bereaved often feel sad, depressed, and lonely.

Remembering a loved one at the holidays can provide much needed solace. My mother died just two days after Christmas several years ago. The first anniversary of her death was particularly poignant since it also coincided with the holiday season.

I particularly wanted to honor my mother but was faced with the same concerns many of you struggle with. How do I go about remembering her particularly when faced with a holiday so packed with nostalgia? What if other family members react differently and don’t find it comforting to talk and remember her when we gather to celebrate the holidays? Even grief counselors struggle with these same issues!

Here is what I decided to do. After some anticipation and planning ahead about what our time together might be like, I provided my siblings – all seven of them – with journals. In each of the seven journals, I recalled a special memory that I had about each sibling with my mother and wrote a personal recollection of this. As a family, we passed around our journals, allowing each sibling to personally transcribe a memory etched in their mind about our mother and that particular family member.

At the end of our gathering, each sibling had seven distinct glimpses of special moments with our mother to take home with them. My siblings were so appreciative of these journal entries. For all of us, it made that very difficult holiday just a little bit more Bearable.

My hope in sharing this personal experience is that it would provide you with the impetus to begin to think how you might want to remember your loved one this holiday season. Memories can help sustain us in our loss.